about being non optimal

In the recent weeks I got to live in the most perfect example there is for a non optimal state (of mind). This is not about the still ongoing job hunt, this is about falling for the most recent Ex-boyfriend of one of your very very very best girls. Right. It ain’t funny, it ain’t uncomplicated, comes with tons of baggage and you can’t enjoy a second of those feelings. Where did they come from anyway? Didn’t ask for them and still don’t want them. Anyone here in need of loving feelings?

I wish there was something like an emotional operation.

Anyhow, I told my girl, then cut him out of my life.She would have been fine with me being successful in this quest I really didn’t want to begin with, however, as it so happens, said girl did a marvelous job at ruining the man. Luckily, he won’t be ready for any kind of relationship in the next few months, which should give me enough time to get him out of my mind and my heart.

They say it is easier if you substitute one addiction with an other addiction. So please get right on it, suggestions are immensely welcome!

glamourous life of an unemployed girl

Good morning Ladies and Gentlemen,

so it has been about 4 weeks since handing in my final thesis, a date from which on I consider myself unemployed. The transition still is not easy, because in all those years before there was always something to be done. Especially since in Germany, the college system was changed from the old Diploma to the Bachelor/ Master system exactly in my college time. We soon lost the overview of all the administrative changes and just tried to navigate through the chaos as smooth as possible.

So suddenly there was nothing to do besides finding a job. Which isn’t quite the type of activity to consume all of my available time. Additionally, I then had to move out of the old apartment. Luckily, I found one just in time in the same town, a bit higher priced, however, also more space and hey – it’s got running water, a small kitchen, bathroom, is clean, heatable, has 2 windows and a door to be locked. It ain’t perfect in the sense that it’s not the “grown up”-after-college-apartment I am dreaming of, but I think I only “may” have certain expectations once I have a job and can pay for those expectations. Right now I am happy to have a place at all, with by the way 3 nice neighbors, with one of them having potential for a real friend. That’s as perfect as it can get right about now.

However, I got bored. Madly bored. Driven insane! I can’t function without knowing what to do during the day. I can hang for a weekend, if I worked the preceding days. What’s a girl to do!? I started my own small business! On Dawanda, the European version of Etsy, I am now selling little pretty bags, loops, crochet baby hats and other small items like these, which I create exercising my hobbies. It is not supposed to earn my living and finance any kind of high class lifestyle, it is supposed to keep me a little bit busy and the insanity out of my life. Works surprisingly great so far and I can say I do earn a few extra bucks this way.

Other good news are: I have a 2nd job offer, in the place I already worked for as a student trainee. The position is limited to 10 months only, but hey those would be 10 well paid months with a lot of saving potential for the next crisis I will start mid July, if I didn’t find some other super exciting position before. There is only one question: how to finance life and sanity until August, the first month of cash inflow but I will figure it out.

I have my dark moments where I kind of already lose hope and feel lost in general, but looking back at my life so far I always managed to reach my goals. Not in the most direct of ways, but nevertheless a full achievement. It made me go to places I never thought possible and still turned out better than intended. I believe I can do this! I wasn’t born for just giving up, if someone doesn’t want me, they’ll get to know lateron what they missed without me. I’ll be doing my best and proof everyone else wrong!

Oh the confusion!

 I can’t believe I am actually in this position! Seriously, I thought differently of myself. In times when it is hard to find an actual grown up job fitting to one’s education, which is not only supposed to bring in enough money to live, but also personal satisfaction for the personal motivation – how can one even consider turning down a job offer?!

However, here I am. Now that you know what this post is about, let me fill you in from the start. Two days ago I had an interview at a publishing house. It went semi-well, but I kept to my promise to always be honest and upfront, so there would never be any missunderstandings about me or my qualifications. The offer is in the controlling/ reporting of the sales department. At the end they said they wanted me and I should decide whether or not I’d like to join. Awesome feeling, great experience. Hoooowever, there are so many things to consider:

It would be in Munich – Germanys most expensive city _ever_. Rents and costs for daily needed items are nothing but insane.

It pays half of what the usual wage on an entry level would be. More than half of the salary would be spent on the rent. Then there would be something like 400€ left for paying everything else (insurance, cell bill, food, clothing, public transportation for getting there, a little bit for saving to build at least some financial security). I just can’t see how this is supposed to be even remotely possible.

I’ll soon have to start paying back my student loan – with what, please?

I have to use all my savings simply for moving there – reducing my financial security to ZERO.

I asked whether it would be ok to have a second job, just something small in a store to back me up financially a little bit. Well, it would be ok, but I was told my hours were to be so many that it would not be possible.

The job is in a field I have almost no expertise in – I am an economist with specialization “institutional economics” and not a business administrations controller.

They want to have me as soon as the next week – never in my life will I find a place to stay in that short of time! No, that’s not a pessimistic statement, it’s simply realistic.

In contrary of all of this I am thinking – but at least it is A job! It’s _something_ compared to _nothing_.

Then again: even with a minimal wage job I will earn more and in this city the fixed costs for living are only half as big.

On the other hand: this job in Munich would be better for a career than some random minimal wage job.

However, when you look at the really interesting careers and their spectacular outcomes, those life lines were never straight and have been valuably shaped by various personal experiences far out of the reach of prestigious job positions at some point.

… and then you go online on Facebook and discover that again someone else from your “generation” as just signed her working contract.

I just can’t figure it out.

Edit a few hours later: another thing to consider. In the Interview they told me they’re into artifical growth, when something nice passes by they’ll just buy the whole publisher. Then again they can’t even pay the full 21€ for my train ticket to said interview, but only half of it? It is very very very common in Germany for the company to take over all those cost and this from someone who says they’re swimming in money? Not the best image. Where else are they keen on saving money on a small scale but spending like crazy somewhere else on a huge scale?

T minus 0

My personal doomsday, a.k.a. the end of the weekly countdown has struck on March 31st.

Luckily, the girl who rents my room after me will arrive only on the 10th of April, so we made a deal, which allows me to stay that long here and pay her part of the rent. Unfortunately, today is already the 6th. What’s a girl to do?!

I’ve been going through several options:

1. Move to a cheap room in this rather small city and find a McJob.
2. Move to a cheap room in this rather small city and open my own little business on dawanda (the european etsy).
3. Combine 1. and 2..
4. Leave all my stuff behind, stored in the basement and move to my parents with nothing but a suitcase. Horrible drama will ensue, because their place is small, tensions will arise and with nothing but a simple suitcase-content I can barely do anything but knit, watch TV, eat, sleep and apply to different positions. No, we don’t pray.
5. Move to a cheap apartment in a bigger city nearby, as chances might be bigger to find an actual job there.

In order to move on, I’ve been contacting several ads for rooms/apartments in several cities, but only received one answer and that in the most expensive cities of them all. The rent is cheap for this city (Munich) but overall killing in case I lose a job which I don’t even have yet. There’s so much to consider and I just don’t know what to do. The cheapest option would be to stay here, since any kind of rent, bills and food could be paid even with minimal wage.

My head is spinning!!

Hope never dies!

So after all the depressing “nobody wants to even see me!” I can tell you today, that after only 3 rejections and 8 applications I have my first interview & they really want to hire someone very quickly, since I applied yesterday morning and by 2 pm they had invited me. Four other applications are btw still out in the open and they’re all in the same city.

I’m just so happy! Even if they don’t want me, of course then I’ll be bummed for a bit of time, but finally someone decided I am worthy to be at least interviewd, yayyyyy!

1 week to go!

I’m starting to feel a little lost and left alone with the whole transition. Not that anyone could help much, but this is me being alone, failing and everyone is watching. That feeling sucks SOOO B-A-D.

Fortunately, the thesis has been written and already went through the first two thourough corrections by two of my brightest friends. Come Friday I believe it will be in the best possible state and hopefully earn me a sweet grade. It’s a good feeling to see it printed, it’s thick as a book and I almost can’t believe I wrote it. Finally I know what I’ve been working on for the last few months Yes, there’s a little bit of pride in these words

Then again: I got one more rejection from my applications and it’s the same scheme all over – they didn’t even want to see me. Yay me! However, three others are still open, one of them wanted to hire someone for as soon as april, so I guess if I don’t hear anything on Monday I’ll just count that as a rude unspoken rejection.

I may be moving in with a friend in a really small town. Temporarily only, I hope, but at least I would know where I’d be staying & not to mention the additional month for finding a job. Maybe it’s going to be a McJob, but hey, there’s bills to be paid and I just can’t go back to my parents and let them finance my sweet a*s until there’s a job opportunity.

So far from this not so pretty life

take care!

2 weeks to go!

Or actually already a few days less.

Compared to the post “3 weeks to go” nothing has changed. I sent out a few more applications, got friendly and personal e-mails back confirming they received it and at that point I still stand. Luckily you always know when your chance is over, since they are gentle enough to let you know about that, too. However, at least 5 more applications will be due this week, because my time is just running out. All in all: at least I haven’t been turned down this week

In contrary to most college kids I unfortunately do not have the possibility of moving back to my family, since they recently moved too and the new place is just big enough for my parents. In two weeks I’ll be standing on the street, now isn’t that a nice prospect I can’t really afford renting a new apartment here in town for more than a month, not to mention the obvious and very understandable neglect of landlords to rent their space for just a month

I got my thesis a few more pages, so that’s a success today I might be able to start the last chapter and then all 60 pages of family policy in Europe will be done and ready for being checked by my huge crew of friends who have no idea what they got themselves into when they agreed to read it

The third issue, the finding the apartment upon finding a job is obviously still out in the open for all the logical reasons.

So, basically nothing much has changed, except a whole week of my time has vanished. Awesome. Pure joy. Jumping around. Hugging random people.

Not.

Tunes

Just a song that’s stuck in my mind

Miss Emily Post has arrived.

Or to be more precise: her esprit in the form of ‘manners for a new world’ – a over 700 pages strong book on how to [not] behave in certain situations, recommended by Amy. As I already told my curious …

Movie Recommendation

For once there exists a movie which I would like to recommend. Beware, taste is highly subjective and thus my impression of this movie may not apply for you

Young adult – everybody grows older, but not all of us grow up.

The ‘motto’ alone strikes in my world. Since I’ll have to leave my sweet pink bubble called college in no more than 3 weeks I feel like I have to grow up – but it just won’t happen I’m still exactly the same, whether or not unemployment may strike or not. Hence the slight identification with the main character, brilliantly played by Charlize Theron, who, after her own divorce, goes back to the little town she “escaped” from to find her old flame married to a random woman with a newborn baby girl. She wants him back, abuses litres of alcohol and still doesn’t go nowhere. The whole concept of going back to a sickenly small place where you come from is not exactly unfamiliar with me: I come from a small bavarian village less than a third of a mile before the border to the czech republik. Nothing against the czech republik of course, I like that country, but the only thing you will find at that front is woods and deer. You may not even shoot a deer. So much for activities

You’ll probably get a little depressed while watching it, you won’t like that woman and you surely won’t be laughing all the time either. It’s still good, especially the end and makes you think a little. When was the last time a movie really made you seriously wonder about your own state of mind? It might just be worth a try

BTW: the age of a movie may increase chances, that you already have seen it, but age is just a number and no criterion in my decision to recommend it.

If you decide to watch it, let me know what you think!